When relationships contribute to our success and well-being

Do you remember a team you belonged to where the atmosphere was so good that you were delighted to get up in the morning to work? A positive and peaceful dynamic between colleagues has a strong impact on motivation, creativity and performance. Here are some avenues for reflection to understand what underlies good interpersonal relationships at work and a method to promote them.

Sources for a conflictual atmosphere at work
We are not always aware of how common points of reference allow us to function efficiently and harmoniously as a working group: coordination processes, cooperative behaviors, rules of politeness and rites, shared values. In everyday life, this takes the form of rules that emerge more or less implicitly. They are not internal regulations, nor the manager’s instructions, but all those practices between colleagues that make communication and coordination fluid: who should I put in copy of my emails? Where do I find the resources to accomplish my task? Who do I notify if I am late? Many conflicts arise from rules of the game that were not shared. We realize their usefulness when we onboard a new member or in times of change. Vagueness and misunderstandings created by the absence of rules can spawn a contentious atmosphere.

Problems are interesting!
In our ever-changing world of work, the ability of a team to turn problems into areas for improvement is a strength. It is precisely on the basis of difficulties encountered that the group could propose new rules, at the initiative of the manager as well as of employees. This implies that team culture is not a culture of blame but of constructive feedback. Disagreements and misunderstandings are captured before they turn into strong emotional interpersonal conflicts that block cooperation. It’s all about knowing how to talk about pain points and making the difference between the difficulty and the person. A difference in point of view is accepted and does not put anyone at risk.

Emotions on edge
But sometimes our emotions get in the way. The current pandemic is not conducive to a pacified work environment. Anxiety, fatigue and an elusive end to the health crisis undermine our ability to maintain our equanimity. Our emotions can be on edge. We might blurt out words that we regret or be over-sensitive to the comments of others. Negative emotions take precedence over positive ones. Our emotions are, however, a resource rather than an obstacle to relationships if they are formulated in a way that is respectful to oneself and the other party. They tell us important things about our needs and values. We tend to avoid expressing them to smooth things over or for fear of the other’s reaction. This behavior is the breeding ground for resentment and conflict. Sometimes we express them in a clumsy or brutal way, which is damaging to relationships.

A simple, powerful method
Nonviolent Communication © by Marshall Rosenberg is a method which seems simple, but which has a real power to create peaceful interpersonal relationships. In order to start a dialogue based on M. Rosenberg’s principles, you need to identify the observable fact at the source of your emotion, easily identifiable by the other person. Get rid of words that are interpretations: never, always, very good, very bad … These words give a point of view and are easily challenged. Say “There are two mistakes in the file you are working on” and not “You made mistakes in a file again!” “.

Your ability to put a word on what you feel facilitates communication. This is the second step of the method. Instead of saying ironically with a fake smile, “I think there is a little problem with the file you gave me”, say “I am very upset.” Find the right word: don’t talk about worry if you feel angry, don’t say that you are “a little annoyed” if you are furious! If you use “I”, no one can contest what you feel. It’s important to understand that your emotion belongs to you! That colleague who is always late for meetings may annoy you, but the feeling of annoyance is yours. Telling him “You get on my nerves me when you come late” is not in the spirit of NVC.

The hardest step is to identify the need behind your emotion. Why does this delay affect you? Is it your need for respect, professionalism, security, reliability…? You might need a time of self-reflection. Finally, you need to make a clear and specific request for a different behavior, formulated with an open mind. The other person must be able to refuse and offer another solution. Your suggestion of observable behavior could be for example “If you think that you might be late for our meeting next Monday, can you notify me with a text message? “

This method takes practice. If you use it in the hope of changing others, you will be disappointed! Others change if they want to. The method enables people to express themselves from their viewpoint, in a constructive frame of mind. As you try it out, you will soon see how it helps to spot where tensions in your team come from and better understand yourself.